Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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