Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
