During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
