If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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