Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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