Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
