how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
