woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
accomplished twins. life is a go
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
