just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
