my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
