OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
