You're my little dorito
Just cropdusted the office
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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