I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
