I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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