My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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