Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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