Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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