In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize