guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
