take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
