someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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