Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
