no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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