Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
