So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
