I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
