And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
