I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I need water and some morals
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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