So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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