Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
