if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
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