hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
