Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
