Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
