That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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