if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
