Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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