He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
