god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
