went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
