everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
