I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
