Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
