Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
