the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
