i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
