Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
