i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
