i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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