Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
