I just pynch a tree in the face
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I did not marry a roomba.
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