Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
