I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
