If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
