we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Houston, we have a squirter
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
