Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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