You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
