I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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